Reload

I started out wanting to write an update on life, but as I gather my thoughts, I also want to share/note down/reorganize my thoughts on life and choices.

I started my new job in October. It’s a great job: good salary, stable, long-term, and I am great at what I do, I honestly think it’s the best and the most fitting job I can find.

But from time to time, I can’t help but wonder what else I can be doing.

…

Honestly, what I really want to do right now is to make films and video games - to tell stories in different ways, and hopefully to inspire. I could keep chasing dreams and grind at it. But when my family wasn’t doing well and there was nothing I could do to help, I really felt like I needed to change… It really comes down to just money.

I came to the realization that chasing dreams is a luxury that I don’t have. Bills come sooner than my dreams could succeed and possibly profit.

I think I grew up in a strange time. Up till graduating college with my first degree, I was working towards the expectations that I thought my parents had for me. Having reconciled that with my parents some years later, I then became a dream chaser in my 20s…

…

I wanted to make a difference and do something good and impactful to the world. With the limited resources, knowledge, and skills I had, I went into a field that a very passionate professor got me into - Bioinformatics. More specifically, I wanted to help develop a platform that collects, sort, and analyze genetic data for disease research.

I thought to myself, “Maybe I am not smart or talented enough to do something great, but I could make a platform where people who are smart enough can change the world.”

It was not a smooth road. It started out with someone, who joined that project after all the basics were done, just took the whole thing and applied for Google funds as if it was her own. So whatever I do after, I have to create myself since she did not leave it open source.

I still remember her. I am a bit upset just thinking about it, but I don’t hate her. I just hope that it wasn’t about the money. And if she had the passion to go through all that, she just might have enough passion to bring it to a higher level.

At the same time, I got accepted into BU with almost full scholarship. I thought I would be able to work on the project with more resources. I thought I was accepted into the school because of “what great goal I had”. But in reality, grad school is a lot different from what I thought it was. Gotta go through the system first with years worth of assigned/required curriculums that had little to do with what I brought with me.

Memories of the experience are fuzzy. Combined with being broken up with and loneliness in my social life, the expensive Boston life making me worry about money all the time, and the lack of hope for my goals and dreams, I fell into severe depression halfway through. I became drug dependent to even be able to function and live.

The one thing I remember most clearly from my time in Boston was… my advisor, with his old soon-to-retire wizard-like face, told me that no one in Boston or even the whole America would want to fund my research. Somewhere in the world, maybe. If I somehow get the attention of Rakuten CEO, I might get funded in Japan. So right now, I just have to work my way through the system - required courses, get into well-funded research team/lab, and then network my way there.

I couldn’t go on after - too expensive and too hopeless.

But this is always in the back of my mind, maybe one day…

… I sometimes wonder if it would have turned out differently if I had a more responsible advisor there… such is life.

…

When I think about my hopes and dreams, this is it:

• A cloud-based web platform where genetic data can be submitted/gathered, sorted, translated, and analyzed for research.

• A trilogy of spy/cult action films

• A trilogy of open-world adventure games that is both sci-fi and fantasy.

• A mythology-based fictional action drama series involving all religions and gods.

• A small community-center-like cafe/restaurant where I can retire and cook whatever I want without having to worry about profit and help the community.

Maybe one day…

…

Back to reality, I think it’s good and important to remind ourselves of both sides from time to time - things we want to do and things we need to do.

My job is not what I want to do, but it’s what I need to do. And I will probably do it till I retire.

What I want to do doesn’t have to wait, but it will take more commitment and effort going forward. And I need to remind myself about it before I am lost.

This is where I am.